The Not-SoSubtle Art Of News Management

STROLLING round the big Ayr Tesco on Wednesday afternoon, I chanced upon a half-decent offer in the book aisle. They were offering two paperbacks for £8, so, I purchased one of the few Wilbur Smith tomes I haven't read, plus Peter Crouch's excellent: 'How To Be A Footballer.' Had I bought them separately, in a book shop, they could have cost me £17.98, the saving, I squandered on beer – as you do.

Peter and Abbey Crouch - he's a good second row wasted, but his entertaining

book has some pertinent points which also apply to rugby

Crouch's tome is a joy, he is one English footballer whom I have always liked, and this book surely seals his status as: “A National Treasure,” he deserves this status, it is like no footballer's autobiography I have ever read before.

One of the subjects big Peter touches on is “news management,” and the way sports clubs today, mainly football clubs, go out of their way to try to manage news about their club. This, of course is a reaction to George Orwell's and also William Randolph Hearst's dictum: “News is something somebody does not want published – everything else is advertising.”

But, like shite – leaks happen, and football teams, rugby teams and indeed Rugby Unions, in an effort to prevent information they do not want filtering down into public consumption, increasingly attempt to manage what news emerges about their organisation. Of course, as with the SRU, when you employ a media department head who has only the faintest knowledge of how the media works, you immediately have problems.

But, this week, we have been subjected to a tsunami of “good news stories” from the SRU:

• Johnnie Walker revealed as new official Scotch Whisky of the SRU
• Tavish Scott revealed as the new Head of External Affairs at the SRU
• Doddie Weir visits Dundee to meet another Scottish legend – Oor Wullie
• Bill Gammell given huge pot of whitewash, and an apprentice painter
• The Welsh clubs who will face the Super-6 in the cross-border competition are named
• Ross Ford finally announces his retirement

The Oor Doddie meets Oor Wullie story was a great one, the Ross Ford one was interesting, as was the Welsh one, the other three were advertising, But, it's the timing that struck me, that's a lot of work for one week – it's almost as if the SRU was trying to divert our attention away from bad news – such as relegation out of the top-flight of nations who will compete in the next Under-20 World Cup.

ROSS FORD is, by any measure a great Scottish rugby player:

• Our most-capped player
• One of only three (at the moment) caps centurions
• A former Scotland captain
• One of only eight Scots to have seen test action with the British and Irish Lions in the professional era.

With that record, we should laud his achievements, be thankful for having had him in our teams, and we must certainly wish him well in his new career as a strength and conditioning specialist coach with the SRU Academy.

Ross Ford shows-off his impressive physique

Big Fordie's physique is impressive, when you are watching him from the sidelines, it is, believe me, even more impressive when you are sitting down with him in an interview situation – aye, he's a big laddie.

If he can inspire his students within the Academy to emulate the physique he sculpted for himself, he will have earned his corn. Mind you, I am telt, S&C conditioning coaching is easy.

Thirty years ago, we had a six foot eight inch centre in our local basketball club who, well let's just say, he made Peter Crouch look well-fed and muscular. We also had a six foot eight American centre, who was built like a large brick shit-house.

The Yank, who came from the backwoods of Montana confessed, he had once been skin and bone, until taken in-hand by the S&C coach at his college; so, I contacted this guru Stateside. He told me: “You can put muscle bulk on anyone, it's simple – all you do is have them eat and work-out in blocks. The trick, however, is to make sure they are eating the right stuff, and doing the correct weights.”

Clearly, Fordie ate the right stuff and did the correct weights – if he can pass that one, we should have some seriously-impressive muscle at our disposal very soon. Now, all we need is the right coaches teaching skills, and students prepared to apply themselves properly. There's always a catch with Scotsmen.

ARISTOTLE'S antenna has picked-up some mutterings among the G&T quaffing ranks of Scottish Rugby's “Great and Good.” I hear our esteemed Chairman of the Board has apparently discovered where Scott Johnson parked his Cloak of Invisibility when he departed home to Convictland.

The Lesser-Spotted Chairman Grassie

Mr Grassie has been posted missing during all the furore over governance reviews and so-forth. It is fair to say, leadership has been somewhat lacking from the Chairman of late, it is apparently, nice and warm inside TCD's back pocket.

I also hear, the late-lamented “Lance Corporal Jones,” is not entirely happy with the way things have gone since he vacated the Presidency; what with the Executive seeming to be continuing its policy of being outwith the control of the elected officials. Well, Jonesie – you started it, by reneging on your solemn vow to: “Stand-up for the clubs.”

I did hear, however, that when TCD and The Junta told the Council about Bill Gammell's audition for a remake of the sit-com: 'Brush Strokes,' at least a couple of the clubs' representatives spoke up, but, their calls to: “Haud-oan a meenit big man,” were not backed-up by the others – it seems, agreeing with everything TCD says will be a hard habit to break.

I also hear, during the negotiations around dates for the cross-border games between the top six Welsh Premiership clubs and our own Super-6, there was a stunned: “What the fuck boyo,” from the Welsh side, when they were told, the date of Melrose Sevens was sacrosanct, and cross-border games could most-definitely not be held that day.

Apparently, no such veto exists around Super Saturday, funny that.

AND FINALLY, I accept, Chief Elf Buddy Horler and some other elves within The Junta would rather I took myself off to fire arrows at the rulers of another sport, and that it will be a hot day in Cumnock before I get any co-operation from inside Murrayfield. That's life, but, they will not deter me.

However, I hear the Sports Editor of one of Scotland's main daily newspapers is having difficulty getting onto the SRU's list of accredited journalists. He is “Rugby friendly,” is a good operator and, while his paper, like the rest of the print media in Scotland, is not the organ it once was, it continues to have an ageing but dedicated rugby audience.

If he is having problems with Murrayfield, what does that say about The Junta?