Millbrae - Greenyards - You Have Problems

THIS time next week, we should know who are the “lucky” six clubs who will be operating the SRU's new all-singing, all-dancing, bells and whistles attached franchises – of Stupid 6 as we prefer to call it.

 

This franchise plan is stupid Captain Blackadder

But, typically of a scheme which even Private Sodoff Baldrick would dismiss as too far-fetched to work, there are a couple of late wrinkles to be smoothed over, before the big reveal at Murrayfield on Tuesday.

Speaking of which, I wonder who will turn-up to unveil this latest example of how the SRU treats the club with even less respect than our current Conservative government displays towards those troublesome North British clans located beyond the Solway and Tweed estuaries.

I understand representatives of the successful bidders will be there, handed a script and told to stick to it regardless of whatever nasty questions the press pack come up with. But, will the Lesser-Spotted Johnson be seen? After all, it was his insightful insistence the BT Premiership was not fit for purpose which started-off this whole shooting match.

Will the Ayatollah Dodson deign to appear, or will this, since it does not directly involve the national or the two full-time professional sides, be deemed a minor matter – which can be delegated to the Useful Idiots - and Rob Flockhart and Stevie Gemmell wheeled-out? Will Sir Bill Gammell, who, having made billions clearly knows a thing or two about what does and does not work, be there to explain how he was persuaded to back this whole pig in a poke notion.

But, back to those wrinkles. A wee bird tells me questions have arisen and require to be answered by the two big hitters for the franchises – Melrose and Ayr – before they can be anointed by Murrayfield.

For Ayr, it is the uncomfortable fact, Millbrae is a bit of a slum, not a No Mean City rats and rickets “Gorbals” type slum but, it has to be admitted, the Alloway ground is a bit like a crumbling old stately home before Restoration Man George Clark or Grand Designer Kevin McCloud or super chippy Tommy Walsh first walks up the drive.

Who's Billy McHarg going to call: Kevin McCloud, George Clark, Tommy Walsh or maybe Escape to the Country's Nicki Chapman?

Apparently Billy McHarg has been telt: “Get a new gaff, very-quickly, or ye're no getting tae play wi the big weans.”

This could be a problem for the Millbrae Men. A move to Dam Park has been mooted except, it's a wee bit sparsely-equipped, there is nowhere to host the corporate hospitality experience which is such an integral part of an Ayr match day, and the current main users of the ground – Ayr Seaforth Athletics Club, which probably has more junior members than Ayr RFC, and Whitletts Victoria Junior FC, will not take too-kindly to being shunted out to make way for a bunch of egg-chasers.

There has been talk of a brand new home, on an already-identified greenfield site, just off the A77 Ayr by-pass, but, there is no way this could be ready for the big kick-off in August 2019. South Ayrshire Council, the local planning authority, are in any case notoriously incompetent and slow to get going on facilitating new enterprises and, as I understand it, Murrayfield does not want to see “accidental slippage” in any time frame which might see Ayr lingering longer in the shadow of the Burns Monument.

Melrose's problems stem from the time frame for delivering their prestigious Legacy project, and in particular overcoming what we understand is strong local opposition to the provision of floodlights. These are seen as necessary for franchise acceptance.

In addition, with the demands for a 3G or 4G pitch, government-funding for which can only be obtained if there is an element of “community use”, dictates you need lights, so the general public can access the facility at night, and the "Nimbys" in Melrose are not at all keen on having the picturesque surroundings of the Greenyards blighted by unsightly floodlight pylons.

The proposed Legacy Greenyards - Wot, no floodlights

Those pitches offer further potential for disruption, I understand Murrayfield wants to see artificial surfaces in use within three years of Stupid 6 kicking-off, rather than by the end of the initial five-year franchise agreement. So, everyone playing on plastic by 2021 rather than 2023.

But perhaps the biggest fly in the ointment is a large problem which affects every single on of the 12 wannabees – nobody's figures add up.

I am told, every single bid has a financial shortfall. Now pardon the cynicism, honed by years of seeing sports clubs coming-up with grandoise plans which could not be financed, but, I doubt very much if the likes of McDonalds, or Starbucks or any of the other High Street names who operate by selling franchises would countenance a franchise bid by anyone who did not have enough finance, plus some reserves, to make it work.

I doubt, even more, that any reputable bank would allow someone to take forward a franchise application without it being properly funded.

• Are the 12 clubs' bankers entirely happy with the current situation?
• More importantly, are all the members of all the clubs happy with each club's proposals?
• Is each club putting forward a scheme which has the backing of a majority of their membership?
• Has each bidding club properly consulted their membership?

Because, remember, if Stupid 6 goes tits-up, it is the membership of each club who are together responsible for any indebtedness incurred in the scheme.

Then there is the as yet unseen elephant in the room – the proposed Celtic Development League. One of the sales pitches for Stupid 6 was “cross-border games”. These, it was assumed, would see the six clubs return to the British & Irish Cup. Unfortunately, after Ealing Trailfinders and Leinster A contest the 2017-18 final, scheduled for 12 May, the B&I Cup is consigned to the dust bin of history.

Can you honestly see the IRFU and the WRU allowing six Scottish clubs into the Celtic Development League, when they will only be entering four teams each? No, me neither. So, we can assume the Scottish entrants to this league will be Edinburgh A and Glasgow A.

This means either, the younger full-time professionals and the Academy players will not be released to Stupid 6, since they will be playing a full season in the Celtic Development League, or, the SRU does not participate in the CDL, or, we go back to the early days of the B&I Cup and we see a new version of “Gael Force” with two squads chosen perhaps from the ranks of the Stupid 6.

The more you look at the ramifications and potential pit-falls of this franchise plan, the stupider if gets. Mark Dodson – you are in a hole: STOP DIGGING.

Never mind - at least "Baldrick" got knighted